How To Lead A Praying For Life Group
Above all else, be a woman who yearns after, seeks, pursues and invites the presence of the Lord into your life. Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is life and love, liberty, freedom, wholeness, righteousness, favour, peace, joy and acceptance, just to name a few. When the Holy Spirit reigns in a meeting, it is a beautiful, life-affirming and healing experience.
Please note that the following are guidelines, shared wisdom and lessons learned from praying together for many years. Each group is individual and has its own personality and will look like no other group. With that in mind, here are my thoughts:
1. A Praying for Life group is a prayer group, a body of women who meet regularly to pray for their non-Christian husbands, and other issues that arise around that and in their lives. It is not a coffee morning, a cosy club, a Bible study or a counselling session. It is, however, life-strengthening and enriching experience where you draw closer to your sisters and to the Lord.
2. Trust and confidentiality about what is said and who is in the group, and support and kindness are key values within the group. These women become accountable to and for each other and can be the women to whom you can bear your soul and be vulnerable.
3. Take measures to keep a pure heart towards other members of the group. Be aware of how Satan might try to destroy the group and immediately deal with any issues/problems that arise. Ways that the enemy might cause trouble are: (this is not an exhaustive list!):
a. Disunity
b. Judgement
c. Conflict of styles/cultural differences
d. Misunderstandings within the group
e. Illness/attack on family members
4. The Forming – Storming – Norming – Performing model of group development (see below for more details) was first proposed by Bruce Tuckman in 1965, who maintained that these phases are all necessary and inevitable in order for the team to grow, to face up to challenges, to tackle problems, to find solutions, to plan work, and to deliver results.
Each prayer group is like a team which develops in a way that can be understood and described in a clear pattern. Being aware of this pattern can help the leader/facilitator of the group to understand how the group might develop and where that development might lead. This pattern is described as follows (with an additional point – dorm) : FORM, STORM, NORM, PERFORM, DORM
Stage 1 – Form (Testing)
People react very differently to the challenge of meeting new people. Some are fearful and others are eager, looking forward to opportunities for excitement, achievement and challenge. There also may be some who are evasive, disgruntled, attention seeking or morose. People initially seek to find their place in a group in relation to others. Each person is trying to answer a personal question: “How do I belong to this group?” Each person proceeds with personal, conventional ways of getting involved with others. For example, people hang back as observers until they feel comfortable, while others dash in with a frenzy of good humour and amiable conversation.
As the team begins to form, there is a gradual growth of personal exchange and contact. People seek to find out about one another, wanting to uncover attitudes, values and style. This testing process continues until each person makes a decision concerning the character of his or her involvement. During this stage, people will get to know each other in a more or less superficial way. As a result, the initial comfort of the members may disappear as more real issues bubble to the surface.
Stage 2 - Storm (Infighting)
As the team develops it becomes necessary to sort out personal relationships of control and structure of the group. Remember that people are people and no matter how ‘Christian’ they may be. Talk about what the women value most in their lives, what is important to them. Emphasise that the main focus of the group is to pray for their non-Christian spouses. Ideally, the ‘leader’ of the group will not ‘control’ the group but rather facilitate the group in keeping on the right track. By this, I mean she makes sure that, after an initial re-connecting time at the beginning of the meeting, the group stops ‘visiting’ and starts praying and keeps praying! This is a prayer group, not a bible study or a social club so it is important that the leader keeps the focus on praying. At this stage, each group member has to decide if this is what she wants to do. Failing to commit fully to a ‘prayer’ structure acts as a block and although the team may appear to make progress, underneath there is a fundamental weakness.
Stage 3 - Norm (Getting Organised)
Following the successful resolution (for the time being at least!) of the issues surrounding control and structure, the group begins to pray with new energy. The members want to pray together and have committed themselves to trying to make this happen. This is an important stage because the group needs the support and interest of all members. Without this, individual preoccupations dominate and the group itself fails to grow stronger.
Typically, the quality of listening improves and people begin to respect each other’s contribution and it is during this time that a depth of trust begins to develop between the members.
Stage 4 - Perform (Mature Closeness)
The members of a fully established group develop rapport and closeness. Sometimes this is so strong that indelible bonds of friendship are forged. The members are prepared to be open to other members and a real enjoyment of each other is typical.
Informality is often the keynote of a group at this stage, but it is based on positive regard for each of the other members. There is a strong feeling that others would be eager to help her and her family if needed. It is apparent to each member that she is valued, respected, loved and supported in her prayer life and in her Christian walk.
Stage 5 – Dorm (Resting on our laurels)
The group is established and has become so familiar with each other that it is now unwilling to move out of its comfort zone and resistant to change or being changed by the Lord. As the context in which most groups operate constantly changes, groups in ‘dorm’ can become increasingly ineffective. It is important that the group try different ways of prayer or offer suggestions on how to ‘shake things up’ a little bit.
5. Notice when prayer gets squeezed and note what is being discussed and relate it back to prayer. Think of ways to facilitate prayer to keep it fresh/dynamic. On the website you will see a prayer wall and suggestions by other groups.
6. Perseverance for the long haul and resilience are necessary so you don’t lose heart and quit. Engage in faith building exercises such as:
a. Prayer notebooks: Everyone keeps a notebook of the prayers and can see what to pray for when the members are not meeting. Prayers can be checked off when answered! These, of course, are very confidential documents and should not be left lying around for anyone and everyone to see. They hold important spiritual information that must be treated carefully.
b. Review of the year: Look back over the year and discuss/talk about what God has done. This could be a mini report from each woman or simply by reviewing the prayer notebook to see how God has worked. Talk about what worked and didn’t work to facilitate and stimulate engaging prayer and what the members might need to help build stronger and deeper relationships with God and each other.
7. Deciding on commitment to the group and how to deal when a woman leaves: This is not a group that you ‘dip in and out of’. There is a commitment on each woman’s part to meeting regularly. Saying this, perhaps you should decide if there a trial period before committing to the group. Pragmatically speaking, perhaps a ‘trial period’ of one month (or 4 prayer sessions) is a good period to see if she would like to join the group. It would be understood, however, that, even if she decides not to stay, confidentiality is still important.
Women have left because their husbands have become Christians and they want to spend the (limited) time they have in a house/prayer group with him. Some leave because of changes in work/familial commitments. Others can leave because they are bored, disappointed in the Lord or a myriad of other reasons or they feel that the Lord is moving them on to something else. There are many reasons as to why women have left the group. Each group should feel free to deal with this as it sees fit. I would, however, encourage you to give each member plenty of freedom to decide on her own whether she stays or goes. It is also important that a woman who decides to leave communicates to the group that she is leaving. It can be very distressing when a woman leaves the group without saying ‘good bye’ or why she left.
8. How to keep the praying fresh: There are loads of materials/books/essays/dvds on how to keep prayer fresh. Ask your minister/friends for suggestions. Also, on the website, you might find one in the list under ‘the library’ and there is a prayer wall where you might get some suggestions. If you have any suggestions, please post yours on the wall!
9. If desired, spend time socially and hang out together – separate from the actual prayer meeting. Amongst other things, it’s great fun, builds trust, helps encourage women who feel a bit isolated and is biblical!
10. Each woman must have wisdom about if, when and how to tell her husband that she is a part of a Praying for Life group. She should never feel or be forced to do so.
Please note that the following are guidelines, shared wisdom and lessons learned from praying together for many years. Each group is individual and has its own personality and will look like no other group. With that in mind, here are my thoughts:
1. A Praying for Life group is a prayer group, a body of women who meet regularly to pray for their non-Christian husbands, and other issues that arise around that and in their lives. It is not a coffee morning, a cosy club, a Bible study or a counselling session. It is, however, life-strengthening and enriching experience where you draw closer to your sisters and to the Lord.
2. Trust and confidentiality about what is said and who is in the group, and support and kindness are key values within the group. These women become accountable to and for each other and can be the women to whom you can bear your soul and be vulnerable.
3. Take measures to keep a pure heart towards other members of the group. Be aware of how Satan might try to destroy the group and immediately deal with any issues/problems that arise. Ways that the enemy might cause trouble are: (this is not an exhaustive list!):
a. Disunity
b. Judgement
c. Conflict of styles/cultural differences
d. Misunderstandings within the group
e. Illness/attack on family members
4. The Forming – Storming – Norming – Performing model of group development (see below for more details) was first proposed by Bruce Tuckman in 1965, who maintained that these phases are all necessary and inevitable in order for the team to grow, to face up to challenges, to tackle problems, to find solutions, to plan work, and to deliver results.
Each prayer group is like a team which develops in a way that can be understood and described in a clear pattern. Being aware of this pattern can help the leader/facilitator of the group to understand how the group might develop and where that development might lead. This pattern is described as follows (with an additional point – dorm) : FORM, STORM, NORM, PERFORM, DORM
Stage 1 – Form (Testing)
People react very differently to the challenge of meeting new people. Some are fearful and others are eager, looking forward to opportunities for excitement, achievement and challenge. There also may be some who are evasive, disgruntled, attention seeking or morose. People initially seek to find their place in a group in relation to others. Each person is trying to answer a personal question: “How do I belong to this group?” Each person proceeds with personal, conventional ways of getting involved with others. For example, people hang back as observers until they feel comfortable, while others dash in with a frenzy of good humour and amiable conversation.
As the team begins to form, there is a gradual growth of personal exchange and contact. People seek to find out about one another, wanting to uncover attitudes, values and style. This testing process continues until each person makes a decision concerning the character of his or her involvement. During this stage, people will get to know each other in a more or less superficial way. As a result, the initial comfort of the members may disappear as more real issues bubble to the surface.
Stage 2 - Storm (Infighting)
As the team develops it becomes necessary to sort out personal relationships of control and structure of the group. Remember that people are people and no matter how ‘Christian’ they may be. Talk about what the women value most in their lives, what is important to them. Emphasise that the main focus of the group is to pray for their non-Christian spouses. Ideally, the ‘leader’ of the group will not ‘control’ the group but rather facilitate the group in keeping on the right track. By this, I mean she makes sure that, after an initial re-connecting time at the beginning of the meeting, the group stops ‘visiting’ and starts praying and keeps praying! This is a prayer group, not a bible study or a social club so it is important that the leader keeps the focus on praying. At this stage, each group member has to decide if this is what she wants to do. Failing to commit fully to a ‘prayer’ structure acts as a block and although the team may appear to make progress, underneath there is a fundamental weakness.
Stage 3 - Norm (Getting Organised)
Following the successful resolution (for the time being at least!) of the issues surrounding control and structure, the group begins to pray with new energy. The members want to pray together and have committed themselves to trying to make this happen. This is an important stage because the group needs the support and interest of all members. Without this, individual preoccupations dominate and the group itself fails to grow stronger.
Typically, the quality of listening improves and people begin to respect each other’s contribution and it is during this time that a depth of trust begins to develop between the members.
Stage 4 - Perform (Mature Closeness)
The members of a fully established group develop rapport and closeness. Sometimes this is so strong that indelible bonds of friendship are forged. The members are prepared to be open to other members and a real enjoyment of each other is typical.
Informality is often the keynote of a group at this stage, but it is based on positive regard for each of the other members. There is a strong feeling that others would be eager to help her and her family if needed. It is apparent to each member that she is valued, respected, loved and supported in her prayer life and in her Christian walk.
Stage 5 – Dorm (Resting on our laurels)
The group is established and has become so familiar with each other that it is now unwilling to move out of its comfort zone and resistant to change or being changed by the Lord. As the context in which most groups operate constantly changes, groups in ‘dorm’ can become increasingly ineffective. It is important that the group try different ways of prayer or offer suggestions on how to ‘shake things up’ a little bit.
5. Notice when prayer gets squeezed and note what is being discussed and relate it back to prayer. Think of ways to facilitate prayer to keep it fresh/dynamic. On the website you will see a prayer wall and suggestions by other groups.
6. Perseverance for the long haul and resilience are necessary so you don’t lose heart and quit. Engage in faith building exercises such as:
a. Prayer notebooks: Everyone keeps a notebook of the prayers and can see what to pray for when the members are not meeting. Prayers can be checked off when answered! These, of course, are very confidential documents and should not be left lying around for anyone and everyone to see. They hold important spiritual information that must be treated carefully.
b. Review of the year: Look back over the year and discuss/talk about what God has done. This could be a mini report from each woman or simply by reviewing the prayer notebook to see how God has worked. Talk about what worked and didn’t work to facilitate and stimulate engaging prayer and what the members might need to help build stronger and deeper relationships with God and each other.
7. Deciding on commitment to the group and how to deal when a woman leaves: This is not a group that you ‘dip in and out of’. There is a commitment on each woman’s part to meeting regularly. Saying this, perhaps you should decide if there a trial period before committing to the group. Pragmatically speaking, perhaps a ‘trial period’ of one month (or 4 prayer sessions) is a good period to see if she would like to join the group. It would be understood, however, that, even if she decides not to stay, confidentiality is still important.
Women have left because their husbands have become Christians and they want to spend the (limited) time they have in a house/prayer group with him. Some leave because of changes in work/familial commitments. Others can leave because they are bored, disappointed in the Lord or a myriad of other reasons or they feel that the Lord is moving them on to something else. There are many reasons as to why women have left the group. Each group should feel free to deal with this as it sees fit. I would, however, encourage you to give each member plenty of freedom to decide on her own whether she stays or goes. It is also important that a woman who decides to leave communicates to the group that she is leaving. It can be very distressing when a woman leaves the group without saying ‘good bye’ or why she left.
8. How to keep the praying fresh: There are loads of materials/books/essays/dvds on how to keep prayer fresh. Ask your minister/friends for suggestions. Also, on the website, you might find one in the list under ‘the library’ and there is a prayer wall where you might get some suggestions. If you have any suggestions, please post yours on the wall!
9. If desired, spend time socially and hang out together – separate from the actual prayer meeting. Amongst other things, it’s great fun, builds trust, helps encourage women who feel a bit isolated and is biblical!
10. Each woman must have wisdom about if, when and how to tell her husband that she is a part of a Praying for Life group. She should never feel or be forced to do so.
